Christmas in Australia is unique. When embarking on an Aussie Christmas, there are certain points that are important to consider. And other points that aren’t really that important to consider at all, but I’ve bunged them in here to get my number count up.
1.Post-Christmas backyard cricket is best not done in your backyard. Alcohol, cricket balls, nearby windows – it’s a dangerous combination, you get what I’m saying? So unless you live on acreage or are playing with a sponge ball, the nearest park might be your best bet to avoid an emergency Christmas Day call to O’Brien’s.
2. Santa does it tough here. The polyester suit, the beard, the boots… if you see Santa in an outdoor setting, do the jolly old man a favour and offer him a chilled drink, rather than trying to clamour onto his lap and give him an extended cuddle.
3. That whole thing about not swimming an hour after eating or drinking gets thrown out the window on Christmas Day. If you’re lucky enough to find yourself near a pool or beach, get in it at the earliest available opportunity. There’ll be plenty of others around to haul you out should you sink after a hefty Christmas lunch.
4. Turkeys cook a treat in the Weber. The fact is, there will always be some of us who insist on a traditional roast turkey for Christmas, and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. But anything that avoids turning on the kitchen oven at 6am for half the day, when temperatures are already soaring, is surely a wise move. Instead, just click the gas on the trusty bbq, bung in that bird, and relax (pfft! Ok, don’t relax, it’s Christmas and you’ll be running around like a headless
turkey chook regardless). In under two hours, you’ll be sorted.
5. The sun significantly increases the effects of alcohol. Ahh, we’ve all learned this the hard way, haven’t we gang?! And all of us seem to have that one family member who is a particularly slow learner.
6. ‘Christmas frizz’ is a very real and frightening hair affliction. That heady mix of humidity, constant Christmas cooking and the aforementioned running around like a headless chook all combine to leave you with a barnet that could frighten small children. Up dos are recommended.
7. If you buy your kids a Slip’n’Slide for Christmas and give it a run on the day, someone will be in tears with a grazed knee or side-of-the-body rash within the hour. Keep the Savlon handy.
8. Dogs, pools and new inflatable pool toys do not go well together. Just sayin’.
9. If Santa has gifted some Nerf Super Soakers to the kids, it’s wise not to wear a white t-shirt at Christmas lunch. Unless you want to give Uncle Herbert a thrill.
10. Ice-cold watermelon is always welcome on Christmas Day.
11. You can never have too many Eskys. Your fridge will already be so overloaded with all the Christmas goodies, that the drinks will barely get a look in. And woe betide Poppy when his beer’s not icy cold. If there is a terrifying Esky shortage, the laundry tub or bathtub are good solid standbys.
12. Dusk is mozzie o’clock. I know, we all know this, but
everyone’s so drunk by then there’s so much going on on Christmas day, that applying ye ol insect repellent often gets forgotten. And nobody wants to spend Boxing Day listening to kids whinge about how itchy they are, amiright?
13. Salmon is only four letters away from salmonella. If it’s been out in the sun – or just out – for any length of time, AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE. Trust me on this.
14. ‘White Christmas, ‘Let It Snow’, ‘Frosty The Snowman’ and songs about chestnuts roasting on open fires, are still able to make us feel all wistful and nostalgic, even if they’re completely alien to our own experience. (And especially now that ‘Six White Boomers’ is forever tainted…)
15. On a hot day, pav trumps pud. But if it’s smothered in ice-cream, we may be coerced.
16. If you take your kids to Carols by Candlelight, it’s essential to first consider how the hell you’re going to carry them, and all your picnic stuff, back to the car/home at the end of the night when they’re comatose.
17. Plan on dining al fresco this Christmas? Remember, there are only two Christmas Day weather settings – scorching hot or humid and raining.
18. It is impossible not to scream when a Christmas beetle flies into your dining room in the middle of Christmas lunch. Those buggers are BIG. But hey, it’s all part of the great Aussie experience…
Excited about Christmas yet? Any more important – or trivial – points you’d care to add?